On Correcting Gaffes

Most of us don't get it right the first time. In our early days in the SCA everyone blunders. We do things, say things or wear things that aren't appropriate and when we do that it helps us for someone to point it out.

That is it helps us unless the person doing the pointing comes across as a nasty, overbearing jerk. Done as an exercise in social superiority or putting someone in their place it is destructive. It has also cost the SCA a lot of potentially good, productive members.

In a number of cases I would much rather have had the innocent newcomer who got driven away from the SCA than the twit who drove them off. Unfortunately there are some people who seem to get off on making others feel small. We don't need them, but we've got them and the best thing you can do is keep them away from newcomers.

So how do you handle a situation where someone says or does something inappropriate out of ignorance. The key word is 'gently'. You want to make the correction with as little ill-feeling as possible. If you can't make your point without being hostile, superior or just plain snotty, then leave the correction to someone else.

Remember the idea is not to make the person feel bad. It is to let the person know how we do things.

As part of this, make the correction privately. Doing it publicly, especially in front of the person's friends, causes unnecessary embarrassment and hurt.

And if you can, offer some positive reinforcement to the person. Surely you can find something they're doing right to compliment them on.

Finally, if you're a peer or otherwise loaded down with jingly trinkets, remember that you're probably pretty awesome to a newcomer. You may feel it's silly, but it's a fact of life. Consider the effect you're likely to have on that person because of the weight of all that metal.

High ranking peers need to be especially gentle in their approach for exactly that reason. Everyone who knows Duke Poohbear of Fuzziecuddle knows he's an absolute sweetheart. But someone meeting his 6-foot-4, 250-pound grace in full regalia for the first time won't know it and his rank and appearance are going to magnify the effect of his words.

Now there is one exception. When someone is behaving like a jerk and disturbing or annoying others a sterner tone is often called for. A non-confrontational approach is still best, but I'm a lot firmer with someone like that.